Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Giving Thanks for the ample derriere.

This is about as racy as this blog gets.

    I stumbled across an article about Coco the other day.  Coco who?, I asked. I admit to not being current on a lot of things that others might find socially relevant, but when I got my first look at her, and her ample posterior, I was amazed that I hadn't heard of her before.  She's married to Iced Tea and is a former Playboy model, so I'm not putting her up as a paragon of virtue, but as an example of something else.  My second thought when seeing a picture of her, was "Holy Cats, that's a nice booty".  OK. it was my first thought, but I am trying to sound less testosterone driven than I am.  My third thought, was "This topic would make a nice blog", so here we are.  For those who might not want to continue reading, the rest of this blog could largely be classified as "over-share", but I'm writing it anyway, so you have been warned.

    Now I think Coco's derriere is a little ridiculous, implanted or not, but it's about time that the ample booty got it's fair share of press.  Heretofore, it's been relegated to being praised in song lyrics only, and those who appreciate an ample ass, like me, have not been graced with many models or actresses that were mainstream, that had them.  I don't know who decided that pencil thin was sexy, but they are wrong, just dead wrong.  Flat is not a shape. Round is.  I learned that on Sesame Street. 
They call it "mooning" when you show them, so what is the shape of the moon?  That's right, round. Truly Queen got it right when they sang  "Fat Bottomed Girls
you make the rockin' world go round", but they weren't the first.
Glenn Miller wrote and sang "It must be jelly, cuz jam don't shake like that."  He got it, but he wasn't the first either.  Ponder, Peter Paul Rubens, the Flemish painter who immortalized women forever in his paintings, and he chose normal sized women, and painted them sensually.  Born in 1577, he was a diplomat, and knighted twice, and he had an artist's appreciation for curves.  They eventually coined the term "Rubenesque", after him, to describe full bodied women.  I think he would have been proud. Incidentally he fathered 8 children, died from gout, and at 63 fathered his last child whom he never saw born.  He's my hero and he got it.  Somewhere after that though, we lost it, I blame Twiggy.  See in the 1950's the epitome of sexy was Marilyn Monroe.  She was a size 14.  Just a decade later, we got Twiggy, she was a size 6. We've now had decades of presenting anorexic models as "normal" or even sexy.  Really?   I have frequented adult clubs in my time, it really is a hazard of my job (quit snickering, I really mean it), and I can emphatically state that while viewing the women in these clubs, the only 4 letter word that starts with F that I ever wanted to do to any one of them, is FEED.  Baby Back Ribs are sexy, seeing a girl's ribs sticking out on stage is not, oops, we were talking about butts, so back on topic.

 I suspect that a lot of guys appreciate women with more junk in the trunk, but feel peer pressure not to acknowledge the sexiness of those voluptuous women. That's sad.  I take every opportunity to admire them, just ask my wife.  Trace Adkins gets it, he sings, "I hate to see you go, but love to watch you leave." I'm not sure he coined the term Badonkadonk, but I like it.  It's one of many coined to describe this particular type of butt.  How many can you name?  I used Wikipedia to list these, so I  want to cite the source, but I knew most of them.  There's apple, biscuit, booty, buns, caboose, can, cakes, culo, hams, moon, onion, six, tail, and trunk.  None of these have a flat shape.  If a butt was supposed to be flat they would call it a "1", but they don't they call it a "6".  So Wikipedia gets it.  How many terms can you name for a flat ass?  Yeah, me neither. 

     I suspect my appreciation for the "big apple" comes from more than just the body part itself.   How do you get and keep a flat ass?  I'm thinking it is linked to a lifetime of denial of tasty things, instead of the ability to indulge yourself occasionally in food, and I like food.  I think food is sexy too.   I don't think watching a woman eat a salad is sexy, but how about a creme brulee, or a big juicy steak?  Sure it is.  I like it when a woman's lips are stained dark red by the Cabernet she has been drinking, that is sexy too.   Who coined "Food is love"?  One of those celebrity chefs, and he/she gets it. There is also the intelligence thing too, and the studies bear this out.  Women with wider hips/butts, tend to have more intelligent children.  They really do, look it up.
just wrong (it's Calista Flockhart)

Just right.
I could spend some time talking about the other benefits of this type of booty, you know, when you don't have clothes on, and you are engaged in adult congress, but I am trying to keep this clean, so I'll just post a comparison of pictures and let your imaginations do the work for you.  Take a look at the left and think about what it would be like, and then take a look at the right.  I
personally don't even see a choice here, I mean I could get hurt encountering the bony left one, but the right one looks like it would be a nice soft surface, and I need to protect my connecting parts. 

     In ending this missive about derrieres, the last point I'd like to make is that there is supposed to be a difference, between men's and women's backsides.  It certainly helps to avoid embarrassing situations as you approach couples from the back and say a friendly hello to the woman.  I would not marry a woman whose onion looked the same as mine, and I didn't.  Now that's not to say, I don't have a nice rear, as a matter of fact (this will sound a little braggy), but I can't tell you the number of times I have left a group of people and have overheard the comment "WHAT AN ASS!", as I was leaving.  So there.  Since I'm writing this blog during Thanksgiving week, I think it only appropriate that I give thanks for the bountiful booty, so thanks God for getting it right, and I'll keep spreading the word.  

"The" End.


Anonymous said...

bahahahahaha Dad nice try, but it's ICE T. What gangster would go by the name Iced Tea????

Bill said...

Maybe I was being ironic?

Anonymous said...

What an Ass!!LOL!!

cdyarger said...

See, I DO get the credit for our offspring being so intelligent! It's me, all me!!!

Anonymous said...

lol just love this article. :) Not sure how I came across it, but glad I did and glad I've got back. ;)

Robin Hager said...

I'm glad to know there are men out there, including my husband, that love and admire my wonderful round tushy, and that of my squishy sisters! Why have beef jerky when prime rib is available:)

Anonymous said...

Wow! That genuinely hit the mark, and this comment is to say thanks!

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Anonymous said...

You nailed it, dude. But, don't blame
Twiggy. It was the fashion industry that done it. And we all know that deesigners have a distorted view of reality.

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