Tuesday, October 1, 2013

It's probably time to release my Sex Tape.

It's not that I want to, there is no burning desire for me to produce this, but with the recent turn of some events, as a good parent, I'm feeling the pressure to do this, and it would be, after all,  for the kids

     It was Kim Kardashian that got me thinking of this, and knowing her, and knowing me, this sounds strange I know, but Kim recently became an oddity, of sorts, when she had her baby, Due West.  She became a celebrity that had both a baby and a sex tape, and my first thought, of course, was "Why should her child have something that my children can't have, it's unfair and it must be corrected."  Those of you that know me and my parenting methods know that I have always subscribed to this premise, you see my kids deserve everything that other kids
I'm pretty sure this is Kim K
get, but sometimes you have to sacrifice a little for it.  If I had a nickel for every time I had to approach those coaches and demand that my mediocre athlete children (sorry kids, it's genetics and not your fault), got the same amount of playing time as those talented kids, well, you get the point, it's only fair you know.  I also try and stay current with new trends and to remain socially relevant and it would seem that having one of these tapes released and then trying to block it afterwards is a huge boost to a career, and Lord knows, mine could use that now.  So, in all fairness, my kids should have the same opportunity to have a parent with a sex tape, as Due West has, and so I've really got to get started on this.  With the number of celebrities that have sex tapes already, a few dozen at least and considering that a lot of them will eventually have children, then pretty soon there will be a slew of kids, whose parents have sex tapes, while mine do not, and I just can't stand to deprive them of one, and so I'm pondering the right time and method to both create and release mine. 

        This would have been easier if I'd thought of it in my twenties because it apparently is not a necessity that your sex tape is done with your baby daddy or mommy, so I had more opportunities to make this tape back then.  I am not saying historically that I had more occasions to tape mind you, I'm only saying that there were more opportunities because the field was potentially open to more women than my field is now.  It's kind of startling when you think of it, but I went down from millions of options to just one, and in the casting world, well, we'd have to call that unfortunate.  If that actress is unwilling to play the role, or is unable to, due to 
other commitments, we, in the business call that, proverbially screwed, but I have hope. You see, at least I sleep with this actress on a regular basis, and that's a start, so  I'll make the case for my doing the tape now, and then you can tell me if you think she'll commit to the project.

     1.  While I'm not young, I think I can hold my own in front of the camera -   My 20 year old self was pretty skinny and nobody likes to see ribs sticking out in sex tapes, do they?   I didn't command much of a stage presence back then, but now, with an additional 30 or so years under my belt, I've done some major presentations and even acted on a Broadway stage once, so I've got more experience.   I added some upper body muscle lately, so while I don't look like a 20 year old, I'm holding up pretty good for almost 50.  Lastly, if I don't do it now, when will it be the right time to do it? 

2.  The dialogue will be much better - Not being an aficionado of these kinds of tapes, I'm assuming there is some sort of plot line or dialogue and if I do say so myself, I've kind of got a way with words.  My 20 year-old self would have been stammering through this kind of thing, and his vocabulary was pretty limited, but mine now is quite extensive, I'd say pronounced even, so that's better, right?  I've got my opening soliloquy half written already. 

3.  One word - Photo Shop -   The technology has come a long way in 30 years and now even amateurs can photoshop their pictures and videos and enhance them.  We can blur things we want to obscure, and soften a 
If models can photshop, so can I.
look with diffused lighting, hell we can cut and paste from other people if we want to, so I'm not really afraid of what the camera might pick up, because by the end of the editing, it's probably not going to resemble what we started with anyway.

4.  I've got the lay of the land - (Pretty clever how I used "lay" in that opening) - Point is, I don't claim to know all the secrets but I've got a lot of this sex thing figured out by now.  My 20 year old self could not have said that and a sex tape from back then would have likely sounded more like a Q and A than any kind of entertainment, but now, I boast confidently, I got this, and it's sure to show that on the tape.

5.  My celebrity factor might never be higher - Barring a video of me hurting myself doing a home improvement project going viral, I might be at the peak of my celebrity right now. I've found that a lot of this sex tape thing is in the timing, for instance, you don't see that "Where's the Beef" lady from the 80's doing a sex tape, do you?  Why?  Because nobody knows her anymore. I'm pretty popular in bars around town, I write a weekly blog and I may be at the peak of my career at work (They keep mentioning the time I spend blogging instead of working, go figure), 
Potential filming location number 1
so it may be exactly the right time to do this project.

6.  I've got easy access to hotels and shooting locations -   Since I travel almost every week, the company pays for hotels for me to stay in, so I could easily use one of these as a shooting location for my sex tape.  Can you see it artfully done with scenic New Jersey in the background?  I'm sure the manager of the Red Roof would be willing to be the cameraman for me, and the nice girls that hang out by the sidewalk as I enter, offer to be Key Grips almost every time I'm there (you see, the word of my impending sex tape must already be spreading).  Alternatively I think we could always shoot it in the garage and my mechanics creeper would give me a wider range of motion too. 

     I think I've made my case and I'll let you know when the tape is leaked.  I'm not sure what the best way is to do it, but I'm thinking I'll attach it next time instead of my monthly report.   It's pretty believable that I'd do this since most times I forget to attach mine anyway (It's kind of like  "forgetting" to sign your check to the electric company, it buys you a few extra days to get it in)  How do I know my boss will leak it though?   Well, he's sure too, especially after he sees my soliloquy, and after all, it's for the kids.  

I have the exact same creeper

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Instant classic, Yarger.