$10,000 - I'll support the Theory of Global Warming. What? We don't call it Global Warming anymore, it's Climate Change now? OK, so I will support the Theory of Global Climate Change. I'll even stop calling it what it is, a theory, and starting pretending it is proven fact. I'll then pretend, that while no accurate climate model is even close to existing, nor has the theory been proven, that I have the absolute solution, which coincidentally coincides with most liberal platforms.
$15,000 - I'll promote the necessity of a larger government with more control and power. I'll ignore all the history that shows how a society like this cannot prevail, and the numerous warnings against it from our forefathers. I'll come up with catchy phrases to promote it like a BOGO (buy one get one) sale.
|New Govt building under construction|
$25,000 - I'll support Obamacare. Even though we have laws in existence that makes sure no one is denied services at hospitals, I'll jump on the band wagon and insist that everyone (except those 1000 companies among his supporters that have waivers), purchase health insurance that they might not need, want, or can afford. I'll strongly argue that this one size fits all plan is the true one, even if it does ignore all the costs associated with healthcare litigation. In particular, I'll tout the Free Canadian Healthcare plan as a workable model even knowing that it is far from free, and is co-dependent on the worlds best health care system, the US. (The fact is that 90% of Canadians live within 100 miles of a US border and use our system to save themselves when they would otherwise perish due to inefficiencies in their own.) Can I get this one in cash?
$50,000 -I'll wage Class Warfare convincing all that the rich didn't earn their money, have no claim to it, and have an obligation to give it away to those we deem as less fortunate. Instead of recognizing the welfare cheats, addicts, and ne'er do wells that help to populate the system, I'll find an example of someone who is down on their luck that everyone can relate to, and put them up as the face of the poor and downtrodden.
I'll help lobby to remove the incentives for employees that do find better ways to improve, so that everyone is equal, well, mediocre, but equal. I'll replace Teacher of the Year with participation awards for everyone. I'll chase the volunteers out of firefighting by lobbying for laws that attach a ridiculous amount of training to the jobs that they volunteer for, part time, so that every small town firehouse will have paid fireman and supervisors living there, 24 hours a day. I'll put policemen in every school, ooh let's call them Resource Officers, and fund them for free for a few years too (Wait, what? Man, every time I get a good idea....) When the school, fire and police stations operate and serve the public as efficiently as the DMV, I'll know my work is done.
$5,250,000 - I will agree that the path to making the US work is to open wide our borders, tax half of the populace more and the other half not at all (maybe even give them rebates when they haven't paid taxes, What? Dammit! I'm going to stop trying to think of new things....) and to remove God from our money, public buildings, and our lives. Sorry for the large price tag on the last one, but if successful I'll have enough money to move to a more democratic country, like Canada. Don't worry though, I'll still visit, when I need medical care.