Sunday, July 25, 2010

The Franchise is in jeopardy....

A transcript of a call I got the other day (no tape available,Oksana used it all)....

Me: Hello?
D.O.C.U.B.F.: Yes, am I speaking to the owner of Uncle Bill franchise # 269?
Me: Yes, who is calling please?
D.O.C.U.B.F.: I am the Director of Compliance and I'm calling to investigate some reported behaviors of yours that have come into this office recently....
Me: Wait, Wait, I have had this franchise for over 25 years, and I have never received a single complaint, what is being alleged?
D.O.C.U.B.F.: The allegations include leaving a party early, positively influencing your nieces and nephews, moderate consumption of alcohol, and participating in other general non-attention seeking behaviors. 
Me: LIES LIES!!  I have never done any of those things!!
D.O.C.U.B.F.: Based on your previous history, they didn't make sense to us either, but you understand that we have to protect the interests of the franchise.  Just for fun, repeat the oath for me....
       First to rise, last to bed,
       The time to sleep is when we're dead
       No event passed by, no story untold,
       our alcohol it makes us bold,
       Cigars abound, and debauchery too,
       No mike untouched, they'll know we were through
       Of Wine, Women, and Song we'll have our fill,
       I pledge to be an Uncle Bill

D.O.C.U.B.F.: Perfect!, Now then to the specific charges, 1 count of going to bed early at a Family Pig Roast, 1 count of failing to teach a nephew (Jonathon) to smoke cigars, giving good advice to another nephew (Nate), and failing to finish a drink at a party.
Me: I know it sounds bad but there were extenuating circumstances.  It was really cold at the Pig Roast and it was past 2, but I got really achy and had to turn in.  Jonathon just turned 12, I was waiting until he turned 13, I got caught up with Nate's wedding coming up and I really like Laura, so some stuff did slip out, and I didn't finish that drink, but it was because I lost it, but I drank 2 other people's on the way out to make up for it. 
D.O.C.U.B.F.: (Silence)
Me: You've got to let me make this up! I can't lose the franchise!! Come on, you know my history....
D.O.C.U.B.F.: #269, I know how hard this can be, but understand, not everyone can be an Uncle Bill forever.  You've had a great run, one of the longest on record, don't you want to be remembered for those good times? 
Me:  It's not time, there are too many Sapphire and Tonics left, too many Karaoke songs unsung, and a whole lot of weddings coming up, please just once, let this slide?  Hey, Hey!!  I was just at a wedding, and I did all the right things there!
D.O.C.U.B.F.:  Drained the bar? Stayed up the latest?  Danced like no one was watching and with the cutest girls? 

D.O.C.U.B.F.:  All right, if this can be verified, I'll consider this a closed matter for now, but #269 you should be considering your exit strategy, I've got a great deal on a moderate Uncle Mike franchise if you are interested....
Me: (Silence)


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Director of compliance, uncle bill franchise - it took me a while to figure it out. So Bill, I am impressed; whenever did you get so smart? I hope that you have these blogs on your computer as they will make a great book one of these days.
Your AA (the good looking one)

Bill said...

AA? Oh, I get it now, I thought I had missed a meeting or something, but trust me those are never pretty. As to me cleverness, you know my Mom and Dad right?

Uncle Mike said...

Why do I not remember this one?

Anonymous said...

It was one of my first blogs Mike, so I hadn't started sharing on FB yet.

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