Tuesday, October 25, 2011

As I sat in church this Sunday.....

     I have always said, that you get out of church, what you put into it.  I do not claim to be any more or less religious than I appear to be, but I do try to attend church regularly, and to put some effort into getting something out of it, that is....  most weeks.  Sunday, however, was not one of those days.  The readings were tried and true, but I'd heard them before, of course, so my mind started to wander.  This blog centers on those kind of days and some things I do to amuse myself in church.

     I've been taught better.  One time, my Dad was so upset with my antics at church, he made me and my brothers sit down and come up with a list of 20 things that you don't do in church.  We got to our mandated 20, and my brother Aquaman and I kept going (Dad was on a donut run and not back yet). 
You can't see me, cuz I'm already in position
 My brother, Redface, called us stupid, as we were only told to do 20.  Dad arrived home and scanned our lists, and immediately saw that Redface had done less work than us, so he made him catch up, while we we got to eat donuts. The lesson there is, sometimes overachievers change the benchmark, so always be prepared to do more.  My behavior in church improved, but I still tended to have my mind wander sometimes,  but what would I think about?  The number one daydream that I have  is how I would react if an armed man came in and tried to take over the church.  Probably not a likely scenario in the sleepy little city of Canandaigua, but if it happens, one of us has been preparing for it, for a while.  The first trick is to drop to the ground before he gets set in place at the front of the church.  This gives you a huge tactical advantage as you can crawl under from pew to pew until you are within striking distance.  The rest of the plan involves a full on rush, and an amazing lying tackle, but counts on the people in the front pew feeding you information on when he's not looking your way.  I'm always successful in my attempt to disarm him, as I have the advantage of taking him by surprise.  I gather up the collection basket and hand it back to the stunned priest, and the congregation claps for me as I sit back down in my pew.  That's just one errant thought, I have many others.

     When I served as an altar server, I used to daydream about filling in for the priest if he was suddenly
taken ill. I'd finish the Mass, as I knew all of his lines.  I'd do everything except the consecration, I think you need to take a class on that or something.  I think it requires you to be celibate too, and I am a dismal failure in that department.  I think I could do a good job of getting the congregation worked up, but I probably would be better in a Baptist church or something, but not at being an actual Baptist.  They can't drink, so enough said there.  As in my other daydream, it all turns out well.  I attached a picture of me a a trade show one time here, and tell me I don't have these nun's attention.  

     My favorite way to pass the time in church, is to pick out my next wife (This is not my current wife's favorite thing to have me do in church).  I know that, as an guy who is very happily married, that if something were to happen to take my spouse from me, that I would quickly want to get back into that type of relationship.
It makes sense, since it worked out so well the first time (well, at least for me), but don't we all know a guy who has remarried too quickly and married poorly?  Sure we do, and that's part of the reason that 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate than 1st ones do.  One of the only ways to avoid this, well except for exercising patience and intelligence, is to pre-shop for possible candidates, just in case.  My wife does find it laughable that I think I even have a chance of surviving her, as there is longevity on her side of the family, and heart disease on my side, but I never said my daydreams were realistic, I told you about the gunman in church, right?  Anyway, I scan the church picking out possible candidates and then spend the rest of the Mass eliminating them.  They don't kneel at the right time or for long enough, Gone.   They don't sing along, Gone.  Don't shake hands during the sign of peace, Gone. When all my kids used to attend Mass with us, they used to help by spotting some of them and pointing them out to me.  Mom did not join us in this activity, but that's ok, she doesn't get a vote.   Of one thing I am certain, and that is, I will need to remarry someone holier than me, just like I did the first time.  Why?  Just look above and see how I spend my time at Mass. 

     To end this missive on mass musings, I'll simply say that I do give it some effort each week and try to pay attention, but the spirit is willing and the flesh is weak.  I suspect some people are hearing the adage "Standing in a church does not make you a Christian, anymore that standing in your garage makes you a car", right now, and I really can't blame them.  I'll try to do better in the future, but leave me my future wife watching, a guy has to plan you know. 

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